I cheated on myself

I planted a seed/
Every time I stayed up late at night to watch Emmanuel...
Soon after my mind was watered with evil lustrous visuals/
I started acting out what I watched/
Till I got tired of being dealt the same hand/
And lusted over the Emmauels of this world...
Met descent women but left them for the Jezabels of this world...

See the seed of a perfect woman to me was planted by the devil/
Watered by Emmauel
And I harvested addiction, obsession and lust as my fruits.
"When I was a child I did childish things"/
The devil fearfully of my maturity kept me childish and I allowed it.
I kept playing with humans as my toys/
never grew up
and women got demaged in the process.
"If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a huge millstone tied around his neck and to be thrown into the sea." (Mark 9:42)
The devil used me/
And then he was the first tie a huge stone around my neck and
Throw me deep into the sea of darkness
And un-satisfaction.
"Never trust a woman"
The devils slogan I proudly, loudly and stupidly recited...
Without knowing I was cheating myself of the experience of trusting and being trusted.

God this woman is such a descent soul/
Nothing like the jezebels I cheated her with/
Always fully dressed and only her heart she opened up for me.
She never took off her clothes on the first date/
And since she found sex before marriage to be sin/
I never dared to even ask her that we do it in the backseat of a car.
She was more concerned with my soul and heart/
But what was I to offer her when my soul was scattered in pieces and left with every other woman I slept with but her.
What was I to offer her when my heart had been taken by every woman whose heart I broke.
Now she is leaving for she found a dark hallow space where my heart was supposed to be.
Now she is leaving for my soul was cold and she could find Christ in its darkness.

God can I please just get one more Day with her?
I promise I would ask for forgiveness from everyone/
Gather my heart from everyone and open it up for her.
I promise I'd listen to her speak and not rush her or us into anything.
I'd get to know what she likes, doesn't like and not expect her to be another Emmanuel.
Can I please have one more day with her God to fetch my soul from the devil, give it to Christ so she can see a man who loves wholeheartedly, unconditionally and faithfully when she searches my soul.
Can I please just get one more day with her God?

"My son giving her more time with you would be like feeding her expired food.
When a son asks for fish from his father, the father would not give him snake (Luke11:11)
So why should I keep her in a relationship that's like a fig tree that bares no fruits.
Your time with her has reached its sell by date.
I had written her story in your life only up until today.
My son, you did not cheat on her/
You cheated yourself off the pleasure of loving someone and being equally loved back.
You've cheated yourself off an opportunity to find companionship and have yourself loved for who you are.
My son, you didn't cheat on her/
You cheated yourself off a very important time in your life where I would have taught you true love is.
You cheated yourself off the pleasure of enjoying the rollercoaster of a relationship/
And no you can't have more time to love her better...
Your time in her life has expired.
It is not that I don't believe you've changed/
But your time in her story is finished."